Breeding only Blue self, and occasionally Blue and White Bicolour British Shorthairs
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night
A priest was walking along
the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of
little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of
about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and
asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you
have a sore kneck"
The priest was perplexed till he realised that to him the collar tab looked
like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show
him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the
manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what
those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at
the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat dearly.
He was planning a trip abroad and he entrusted the cat to his brother’s
care.
As soon as he arrived at his destination, he rang his brother,
“How is my cat ?” he asked.
“Your cat is dead.” His brother replied
“Oh my,” he exclaimed. “Did you have to tell me that way ?”
“How else can I tell you that your cat is dead ?” asked his brother.
“You should have led me up to it gradually,” said the bachelor.
“For example, when I called tonight you could have told me that my cat was
on the roof, but the Fire Brigade are getting him down. When I called
tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his
back, but a fine surgeon is doing all that he can for him. Then, when I
called on the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all that
he could but my cat has passed away.
That way it wouldn’t have been such a shock. By the way,” he continued,
“How’s Mother ?”
“Mother ?” he asks, “Oh, she’s up on the roof, but the Fire Brigade are
getting her down.”
A couple were going out for the evening to celebrate the wife’s birthday.
They’d gotten ready – they were all dolled up, put the cat out etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat
shot straight back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have the free run of the house
while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat.
The wife, not wanting the taxi driver to know that the house was empty,
explained “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi, “Sorry I took so long,”
He says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
With a coat hanger to get her to come out …….!
A woman walked into the pet store. "I haven't got much money," she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know if you've any kittens you'll let go cheap."
"I'd let them, ma'am," said the clerk, "but they prefer to go meow."
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and
Saint John were standing around near the heavenly cattery
watching the cats lazing around.
“I am feeling so bored” stated John. “Me too” chimed in Paul.
Peter stood and watched the cats, “I know !”
Peter Began. “Why don’t we have a cat show ?”
Paul and John thought that the idea was great – except for one
small detail that Paul pointed out. “Who are we going to compete
against, Peter ?” Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment and then Peter came up with the
answer:
“We will call Satan and invite him to the cat show. You see, we
have all of the finest cats here in heaven, all of the National
and World Champions are here. His cattery is filled with the
spoiled, difficult and mean cats. “We are certain to win every
class at the show !”
And so the trio called up Satan and invited him to their cat
show.
Satan laughed and asked them why would they want to be totally
humiliated, because he would most certainly win beat them !
Peter, Paul and John did not understand.
“What do you mean, Satan ?” Peter asked. “We have all of the
National and World Champion Cats in our cattery in Heaven. How
could you possibly beat us ?”
Satan paused for a moment and then he laughed:
“Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen ?
I have all the judges !”
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary
clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a
moment not two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m
sorry, but your dog has passed away.”
“What ?” screamed the man. “How can you tell ? You haven’t done
any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion !”
With that the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he
returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to
work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a
considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his
head and said “Woof”.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a
few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the
table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and
said “Meow”. He then jumped off the table and ran out of the
room.
The vet handed the man a bill for £600. The dog’s owner went
mad. £600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous !”
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. “If you had taken my
word for it, it would have been £50. but with the the lab work
and the cat scan …………….
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provideme with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provideme with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... Imust be a god!
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes
to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to
the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can
make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me
know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no
more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming
accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to
great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our
lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs
and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're
tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so
we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more,"
and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and
asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful
here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals
On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
One the second day of creation, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the cat's litter tray.
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding front and rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of the mouth with your right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten seconds.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat’s throat vigorously
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to ensure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take the taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-Shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie the little bugger’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill.
- Consume the remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to nearest casualty department, sit quietly whilst Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove remnants of pill from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
- Arrange for Vet to make house call
- Wrap it in bacon